Apollo 13 Calling Major Tom
"Now it’s time to leave the capsule if you dare
This is Major Tom to Ground Control I’m stepping through the door And I’m floating in a most peculiar way And the stars look very different today"
The past year of my life I have met with a lot of change. Some are merely transitional, others are heartbreakingly permanent. After years of warming up to the idea that I'm a person worthy of love and happiness, I took a plunge completely based in reckless hope that I can eventually be the person I first put into hiding 30 years ago.
Not totally the same person, but at least an approximation. There is no fixed ideal self. Whatever our ideal, it's subject to change. Our experiences change us, and we adapt. We grow. We want different things. I'm not better for my scars, but I can't undo that I have them. I'll accept that I suffered in order to learn as long as the suffering wasn't for nothing.
I'm trying very hard not to make it for nothing.
I pour my heart out here every night, because I don't want to rely on other unhealthy outlets. I do cliche things like have encouraging post it notes everywhere reminding me that I'm important. I have alarms set for eating, medication, and drinking water. I wear a heart monitor to be conscious I need to relax, and I stay aware of my moods and triggers. I have so many self help books that I can tell you which ones conflict and how. I keep my circle small and tight so that everything I put out comes back in.
I'm trying very hard.
But even with all this. Even with the reckless hope that I started this long, grueling, and lonely journey, I feel more alone than ever.
In attempting to launch myself out of the trauma and toxic environments, I ripped away the only world I knew how to cope in.
Was it good coping? Was it a world I would ever thrive? No.
If you don't at least try to heal your CPTSD and confront your mental illness, you're doomed to hate your life forever.
Honestly, I'd rather die than keep suffering.
And that's the problem.
To heal means you have to reopen those wounds over and over and fucking over again until they scar up enough that you don't feel it anymore. To heal and accept that you're going to live a lifetime of only coping means that you have to have a steadfast hold on hope and faith that it's going to be worth it.
And mostly I do have that.
I took the rocketship ride out here knowing this process would be unknown and uncomfortable. I knew it would be hard. But I'm an astronaut at heart. I'm very brave.
"For here am I sitting in a tin can Far above the world Planet Earth is blue And there’s nothing I can do Though I’m past one hundred thousand miles I’m feeling very still And I think my spaceship knows which way to go Tell my wife I love her very much She knows"
I didn't really sleep before, but now out here in space not knowing much about what is day and what is night, I never sleep. I just doze in 1.5 hours spurts every 12 hours and hope that I don't die up here before I find my way home.
"Ground Control to Major Tom Your circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong Can you hear me, Major Tom? Can you hear me, Major Tom? Can you hear me, Major Tom? Can you…."
Right now I can still hear you.
This is the one woman crew of Apollo 13 calling Ground Control.
I shot for the moon, but a built in dysfunction shut me down. I was built wrong from the beginning.
Can you hear me, Ground Control?
I've shut down all systems except life support.
I've filled the capsule with whatever is left to fill the overwhelming weight of emptiness. I was supposed to bring back moon rocks.
Big, beautiful moon rocks that we could study together.
Can you hear me, Ground Control?
Please find a way to bring me home on what little power there is in my escape capsule.
I know you can hear me.
You're trying to bring me home.
"And I think my spaceship knows which way to go Tell my wife I love her very much She knows"
It's time to go radio silent. I'm falling so fast.
Burning up on re-entry. I can feel the flames taunting my face.
I didn't make it to the moon. I was built wrong.
I hope I land somewhere they can find me. I hope it's somewhere new.
I hope I land.
"Can you hear me, Major Tom? Can you…."