The Perks of Lying Fallow

I’ve written and spoken numerous time in my past on relating the radical act of gardening to growing in life as well. I do believe in that message. In fact, more so with every year that passes and my gardening experience grows with every success and failure. But this last year, I stopped growing mid season. I let everything die. Even the easy potted plants. (Though I was absolutely rooting for the dandelions in my concrete.) It was the best decision I’ve made in a long time.

It got me thinking about how much of an agricultural revolution the act of letting a field lie fallow really was, and how once again nature is showing us the way on how to lead a better and gentler life.

For those who don’t know. Farmers will let fields lie fallow, which means to plant nothing, sometimes for multiple seasons so the soil can regain its nutrients back that the crops took from it. Another option is to plant an opposite crop that will actually restore the soils nutrients- so they rotate what grows there. This all came about because farmers would find after growing the same crop in field repeatedly, the soil became depleted of its nutrients and nothing would grow successfully after that point.

Now obviously, modern advances in science and agriculture have probably minimized the urgency of needing to lie fallow. There are probably fertilizers and methods out there that make sure you can reuse that same field a million times. That said, I live in the Midwest. Our life here is farming, and for all the millions of dollars they pour into it- I still regularly see fields simply lying fallow for the season. The absolute best way seems to be the simplest way, and more often than not, that seems to ring true in life.

I know my audience is smart. I don’t need to force feed another pithy message about the importance of resting and recharging. Most of you that I know are introverts just like me, and you’ve known for as long as you’ve been alive that you only have so many spoons.

But I will say this about my experience in lying fallow from this current season of my life. Not having to give myself to others for awhile and pour what little I had back into me helped me save my own life. I am a better person for quitting something, and let me tell you, that is not something you will hear an Asian person say often.

I was definitely nutrient deficient. I could only muster enough physical energy to work my job, and even then as the months went by, I needed more breaks and more help to do what I could without issue by myself 8 months before. There was no home life, because I could only lay in bed propped up and cough until I temporarily died every night. The house piled up around me. At some point, my dresser never got refilled and I started living out of a clean pile of clothes on the floor. On my days off from one job, I worked a second one. This one was less physically demanding, but what I saved in labor, I lost in never having a day to truly rest. All my interests and hobbies disappeared. I went from overly functioning to non functioning. My free time was spent laying in bed wanting to be unalive, but not really. I just missed caring about things and being human again.

There was a breaking point. I requested months ago, a break. A vacation I needed to give my body time to recover, a time to reconnect with the people most important to me, and time simply to live my life. But work refused, and I was tired of giving so much for so little in return.

I had invested all of the best of me for them. I expected less than others, and still I was being abused even further than what I had already allowed. My body had been telling me for months that it was time to quit, but I didn’t listen. Eventually it stopped telling me and made it happen through force. The nutrients were not only gone. The soil itself had started to erode, and if I didn’t do something soon, the people investing in me were going to go hungry permanently.

It is crazy frightening to make a decision that basically dissolves your entire foundation. But sometimes, you find out that the foundation was actually shit and you’re cracked beyond repair anyway. It was either start over now on my feet, head still held high, or later on my knees begging for dignity.

For better or worse, my pride gets me every time. I’d rather swallow dirt and suffer than compromise my happiness and life in exchange for the easy way out. If I can’t do it on my own terms and be myself, the thing I fought so hard to recover, I don’t want it.

I wasn’t always this way. My childhood had 10 years of sexual assault by a family member, raised by alcoholism, abuse, poverty, and the generational trauma of many beaten women before me. I didn’t know I had worth until my 30’s. I didn’t start fighting for myself until my late thirties. And it’s now that I’m almost 40 that I can finally say that I am a person worthy of love and happiness. I will absolutely not accept anything less after suffering at the hands of others for so long.

The problem was that this last year especially, I had stopped listening to myself. I wasn’t even able to hear it. My physical body has been screaming at me for decades that it cannot continue to live this way. My mental state was the opposite and was hauntingly silent. As if only a ghost of a person existed there. Even if anyone could plant anything in my heart, I wasn’t capable of growth. It was time to lay down and be still.

Not die.

Just rest.

Rest at all costs.

I realize now that as I was already starting the fallow process as I melted down over the last 8 months. To survive I was dropping interests, responsibilities, and people until there was not much else to lose, and yet I still couldn’t maintain.

Had I not tried so hard to hang on to EVERYTHING, I’d probably have a lot more of the things I actually need now.

It’s been 3 weeks of no full time job. I’m relying on my part time one for now. I’m actively looking for work but this time not compromising on if it’s a good fit for me. I’m also putting faith into my very capable self that I can freelance again as well. I’ve mostly stopped coughing. I’m sleeping. I’m interested in things again and have dove headfirst back into my passions. I’m reading and learning like crazy. I’m making lists of everything from projects I want to do, to simple lists of what and who makes me laugh. I am finding joy. I am reaching out to people. I am feeling the nutrients slowly seep into me and enrich my soul. I am letting the sun and rain do its thing. Eventually, I will be worth growing something in again. I will be primo real estate, because I am something one of a kind. The fruit I grow, you can only get in this one place, and it will be cherished.

I still intend to lay fallow for awhile. I’ve learned my lesson about time and patience. It took the world a good long turn to wipe me out, so I can expect it will take equally if not longer to replenish me as well. But I am laying still, inviting the rest, inviting the sunshine, inviting the rainy days, and even the shitty days here and there that come with the circle of life. I am lying fallow now so that next season you’ll get the best I have.

If you’re considering lying fallow yourself, be courageous. Remember that the people who love you the most are willing to wait a season for you be your best self. They know good land worth settling on when they see it, and they can’t wait to grow with you again.