I Love You On Purpose

A couple months ago, I was in a pretty desperate place. For reasons I won’t go into, I had to face the question, “How am I contributing to my own suffering?” I had to and continue to do a lot of work on fixing my role in my own pain.

Surprisingly, it is going pretty well, considering how nasty things had gotten in my life. I left a toxic, criminally underpaid job that was destroying my health. I focused on rebuilding my physical and mental health. I poured myself into my personal relationships. I let go of a lot of things that I thought had to be the way they are and gave myself the courage and permission to face starting over. But the most important lesson I have learned in all of this was, “I Love You on Purpose.”

I came across this phrase where people were talking about the value of taking responsibility versus leaving it up to fate. While the latter can feel pretty romantic and magical, the former is the only way that anything you want in life actually gets done.

I’m not saying the Universe doesn’t contribute its own magic from time to time. I do believe there is an energy, a force, something too big for our wee human brains to comprehend, that moves time and space and influences our lives depending on the energy we give it. The key point of that being, the energy we give it. It’s not karma. If karma were real, you wouldn’t see all these good and innocent people suffering around the world. We can clearly see that in many ways, evil is winning right now. So if karma were real, it IS a bitch. It’s doing a terrible job, and it’s not on our side. But undefined universe magic? I can get behind that, because we are still empowered to push it in the right direction.

And push it in the right direction we can when we commit to acting with love on purpose.

I love you on purpose means that I CHOOSE to love you and embrace you not because I have to. Not because it’s the status quo. Not because it’s the easy way out. I love you on purpose is waking up everyday and saying to the people you want in your life, that I am an active participant in creating and maintaining honest and fruitful love between us. This includes the love you should have for yourself.

When I say to my kids, “I love you on purpose,” I am saying that I am committed to being present and involved. I want to savor as many moments we have together even when it means suffering together. I don’t love you just because I’m your mom, and I’m supposed to. I love you, because you are an incredible human being I want to help grow into whoever you want to be. I want to be in your light. So when those old songs sing, “and mom and dad can hardly wait for school to start again…” that’s not me. I love winter break with my kids. I fantasize about endless summers with them. These are the golden moments of my life. I love them on purpose, because I love who they are.

I love my friends on purpose. I listen to not only what they are feeling, but also what they yearn for in their souls. For example, if a friend clearly needs help finding joy in their hobbies, but is struggling to commit to doing them because of something like depression, then I will also take on that hobby and make them do it with me. I love my friends on purpose so I make a point to reach out to them when they are quiet with no expectation of a response. I know they are listening. That’s all that matters is that they keep hearing on repeat that they are loved and wanted. I love my friends on purpose so I listen to them and actually take their advice when they tell me what I need, because often we can’t see it ourselves. I know how to love my friends on purpose, because I have friends that love me on purpose. They send me messages and emails even when I’m isolating for months. They come help me clean my house and bring me food when depression makes even the most basic functions too hard to complete. They love me on purpose when they make a point to remove any shame or guilt I have about my current state or any help I’ll need. I am deeply loved with purpose by those in my life. It’s the least I can do is to love them back with equal purpose.

I love my partner with purpose. I choose everyday that this is the person I want to be in love with, and I actively work to nourish that relationship because I want it. Not because I need it. I love my partner on purpose, because I do not believe in fate. The idea of fate used to be something I was really infatuated with. It gave me the excuse that for all the bad things that were happening, that if I just waited, the happy ending would eventually come. This is the furthest from the truth. In a world like this one, you have to have the courage to fight for your happiness. Everyone deserves happiness. But few actually achieve it, because we’re all waiting for it to come to us. And frankly, I would rather die trying on my feet than waste my life being ok with being miserable. We have so little time. So when it comes to romantic love, I do not believe that you are owed your soulmate. I believe you earn your soulmate, and you keep earning them by giving yourself over to what love entails. The grand and beautiful thing about doing this is that when you hit difficult points in your relationship, doubt is not a factor. It’s simply a matter of how do we work through this, because we know we want to be together.

I didn’t know that I needed to be loved on purpose. My mother loved my father, because she felt like she had to and it was too late to correct a mistake. My father loved my mother, because it was easier than being on his own. I had no good role models on what romantic healthy love was supposed to be, and that set me up initially for failure. Luckily, I found a partner that was patient enough to heal me in ways that I did not realize were broken. My partner’s and I’s love language is removing all doubt. Everything else is just a problem to solve together. We love each other on and with purpose.

The person I love on purpose the most is myself.

Self love is a radical act though it shouldn’t be. If only we were taught when we were young and by popular culture that the greatest gift you can give those around you is to love yourself in a way that makes you a healed and safe person in this cruel world. I love myself on purpose by seeing my reflection in the mirror and acknowledging that the girl in it is beautiful and special. I love myself on purpose by giving myself the same grace I give others. I love myself on purpose by acknowledging how I am contributing to my own suffering and committing to the effort it takes to fix it. I love myself on purpose, because I want my kids, my friends, my family, my partner, and the world around me to also love themselves and each other on purpose.

Because on days that we fail, and we will all inevitably fail for we are human, knowing that love is something you can create and nurture, that it is not something given to the lucky few, but to everyone, is the burning ember of hope when shit gets really dark. You have love in you always. But you must give it, work for it, acknowledge it from others, and feel it on purpose. And that’s the scariest part of all of this, isn’t it? That you are capable of it. That it does live within you. I understand it’s a lot of pressure. But, be brave, darling. Be strong, courageous, and relentless in your pursuit. You deserve a life you don’t need to run away from. You deserve to love and be loved on purpose.